9/30/01-
I'm really excited about Savannah's arrival and can't wait until she's here.  Aspen is getting so independent and rarely wants to be cuddled anymore.  I've washed all of Aspen's baby clothes for her and I can't believe how tiny they are.  I look at Aspen now, at only 10 months old and she has grown SO much over this short time.  She's crawling, pulling up on everything she can-- she just doesn't sit still.  She's a human vacume and sticks everything in her mouth that she see's.  She's completely off of baby food and eats just about anything she wants.  So to know that I have all this to do over again, one last time..  Really makes me excited.  Babies grow up so very fast, it's almost sad.

I guess the part that scares me is.. What if all four girls need me at once and I can't do it all? Bath time is so crazy around here every night, and that's even putting all 3 girls in the tub together (hey, I've learned to make shortcuts!)- I can't imagine adding another little one in the mix that maybe needs to be held & loved, or fed while it's during "the crazy" time at night. 6:30-8:30pm every night around our house is out of control! Dinner, clean-up, bath, tuck-in's..  And Aspen is still co-sleeping with Darryl and I.  We have her room all set up but.. It's just so hard to break MYSELF from her sleeping next to us.  So, when it's time to put her down- I  lay down beside her until she falls asleep, then I sneak up, take a deep breath- check in on Chelcey & Courtney- make a sigh of relief and pat myself on the back that I've survived the madness for one more night!  What's it going to be like when Savannah is here? Will I get the help from Darryl I need? …    I wonder, and I worry.

I'm also freaked about labor. Yes, you would think after popping 3 children out I would be an old pro at it by now, but I'm scared! I HATE pain and know what I'm up for.  I'm hoping not to have to be induced.  I've never went into labor on my own, so I'm hoping if I DO go into labor on my own it'll be one FAST process (fingers are crossed!). 

I'm also torn about breastfeeding..  I keep talking to Darryl about this "should I.. Shouldn't I?"..  But he's supportive either way and quite frankly, prob. Tierd of hearing about it. I've choosen to bottle feed all 3 girls and after having Aspen, really longed for the chance to BF her.  I'm VERY weight conciouse and KNOW how obsessed I'll be with losing this weight- ESP. after having 3 back to back pregnancies and actually OWNING my body again.  I know I won't be able to focus on this if I choose to breast feed.  Then it goes back to..  This is my last baby, the last chance I'll have.  I'm torn.  Should I? Shouldn't I? Will it be easy? Hard?..  Will it be right for me and my family? Will it put more demands on our day to day routine as it is?..  This questions consume me, and time is running out….